I haven’t been feeling my best mentally for the last few days. I’ve been a nightmare to live with. Life has just become too much. What’s caused it? I wish I knew, but I don’t. It’s been a while since I’ve felt so low; nothing has happened in life to bring on this change, at least nothing I can put my finger on.
At stupid o’clock (03:30) this morning, I was suddenly wide awake. I can’t go back to sleep when I wake up. My mind was racing; I needed to be out and about. I grabbed my camera gear and headed out the door to the car. Putting my stuff on the back seat, I climbed in, started the engine, and drove off. I was hoping that when I got to my destination, I would find a hoodie or a coat in the car somewhere.
I hate feeling this way, not knowing how I’m going to be from one day to the next. I have all of the dark thoughts, but I’m not self-destructive. I beat myself up until the feeling passes, however long that may take. During that time, I’m terrible to be around, and I know that.
Driving towards my as yet unknown destination, I mentally ran through the events of recent days, trying to pinpoint where and when this recent bout occurred. The music in the car very much reflects the way I’m feeling at the moment. N.I.B. (Black Sabbath) was playing as I headed towards the motorway; in what direction would I turn? I had no idea. East or West made no difference to me; I had no final destination in mind.
Turning West onto the motorway, the rain started coming down and grew heavier as I drove on. N.I.B. ended and was replaced by The Great Gig In The Sky. There wasn’t going to be any upbeat music during this drive.
Eventually turning off the motorway, I made my way to the seafront at Porthcawl.
I was only here on Thursday evening for a camera club meet-up. I didn’t even get out of the car on that occasion, instead preferring to turn around and go back the way I had come rather than be with people.
There weren’t many people abroad at this time of the morning, just the occasional runner and early morning dog walker. Parking up, I was surprised to see a swell on the sea and to hear the wind blowing.
Getting out of the car, I found some warm clothes and a coat to wear. The sea air always makes me feel better, and so it was this morning.
The wind was stronger than it was when I left the house, and the sea was full of white-capped waves. The sound that the sea makes as it crashes ashore is strangely comforting for me, and it’s not long before it begins to ease my troubled mind. As a consequence, by the time I’d reached the end of my walk along the prom, stopping here and there to take photos, I was beginning to feel better than I had in days.
I sat on a bench staring out to sea, watching the ‘White Horses’ as they galloped ashore in their thousands. As I watched wave after wave crash ashore, I felt myself relax for the first time in days. (White Horses. Breaking waves are known as “White Horses” because the wave’s crest resembles a horse’s mane, and the sound they make when they smash ashore sounds like the thunder of many horses galloping across the ground).
Feeling a little better I walked back to the car and drove west along the seafront stopping at rest bay to take a few more photos before heading for home.