Your digital footprint | How I keep your secrets
Why I need your secrets
This Privacy Policy is to assure you that I am committed (I need to be committed after writing this) to protecting your privacy. Why? Because I have to, I have a burden placed upon me to keep all your dirty secrets safe.
When you complete my contact form, I request information that can identify you; if it falls into the wrong hands, I get in the deep brown smelly stuff. This is only really so I know who you are and can reply to your clacks/emails. I'm also going to ask for your disorganizer so I can text back if the clacks/email system fails. My clacks/emails to you are likely in the junk or spam folder.
I promise not to sell your details to any third party for cash if you eventually decide not to book me.
My privacy policy
This extremely tedious document provides guidance regarding the collection and use of your personal crap/data gathered by this website: https://charliehannah.co.uk. This policy complies with the current GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation) introduced in May 2018.
From time to time, I may modify the provisions of this tedious document/privacy policy. The new provisions will become applicable once they are posted on this page.
If you have lost the will to live or are a sadist, please check this page periodically to ensure that you are aware of any changes.
what i do with your secrets
I collect the following information. not because I want to, but because I have to.
- Name, both yours and your other half’s.
- Clacks/email address (This is useful for staying in touch).
- Disorganiser number (Telephone).
- Your home address, so I know where to send your invoices and photos.
- The address where you are putting on your war paint on the day.
- Where you’re getting spliced, hitched, married or having your ball & chain fitted.
- Names of accomplices/family members for group shots.
What secrets I hold onto.
In simple terms, it's all of the above. Why? Because I have to, I promise that I will keep it safe for you, I won't sell it no matter how many shiny coins I'm offered. When I am allowed to get rid of it, I'll have a bonfire and a bbq to celebrate,
Cookies? No, not the ones you have with milk. The digital ones that let my computer recognise yours.
Cookies, mmmm. I like cookies and milk, but I digress. The cookies I'm on about are little itsy-bitsy text files that my site leaves on your computer so it recognises it when you come back. I hope you do come back.
Cookies are harmless little files that some garlic muncher in the EU said we had to tell you about. If we didn't tell you about them, you wouldn't know that they were there anyway.
Anyway, I use them, so I'm telling you about them, because I have to. They don't stay on your computer forever; they expire just like real cookies go stale when they get old.
Third party links.
Following third-party links is a bit like a skier going off piste. If you follow any external links from my website, you're on your own, cowboy. As I didn't build the website they lead to, I can't be held responsible for any icky stuff that happens; that's on you. You cannot hold me to account over something I am not responsible for.
Getting in touch
If you want to know what dirt I hold on you, which you are more than welcome to ask about, I am compelled to tell you.
Why am I compelled to tell you? If I don't, I'll get a visit from the men with the big sticks and big scary dogs. I like dogs, but I don't think I could eat a full one.
Send me a Clacks/email at mail@charliehannah.co.uk or call me on my disorganiser number 07930 117305.
Security of your secrets
I take the security of your secrets very seriously, so much so that I bury them locked in a safe in a big hole that only I know exists. This hole is guarded by data bwgans as well as having a heavy stone over it. Rest assured it's safe, and for me to access it, I have to feed the bwgans blood.
I'm led to believe that this hole leads to the lost jam butty mines of Snotty Bash.